“The self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates.” - Thomas Szasz

If there’s one frustration that I have growing up is that I never gave my parents a medal during graduation.

There’s such a thing as a consistent honor student… I’m the reverse.

I’m the inconsistent honor-student.

I used to get awards and attended those recognition rites that happen during summer in my beloved STC. But then something happened during sixth grade that put a halt to my streak of awards.

During my grade school graduation, I wasn’t called during the awarding ceremony. Now before you say how shallow this person must be for being award-conscious, let me explain. For a kid who was a consistent honor student since Nursery, it was kinda expected that I’ll get an award during The Most Important Ceremony, at least during that time—my Grade School Graduation. And being not part of it was not only disappointing but devastating for the kid who used to get all the recognition.

I remember having an outburst on the cab going home. My parents, though they didn’t get mad, expressed how sayang it was that I didn’t get it, I told them with indignation, “Kasi kayo, in-eexpect nyo akong maging magaling e hindi naman!”.

The impact of it was so huge, it affected my view on myself. Instead of taking it as a challenge, I regressed. Because of that tragic incident, I totally stop believing that I’m good. I thought that maybe I’m not who they think I am. My insecurities grew. Insecurities that made me fall into mediocrity.

I became a rebel, but one with no cause.

High school came, and I didn’t really shine much especially in my academics. It’s not something that I prioritize since I already formed that belief that I’m a crappy student, crappy everything. Plus I don’t like to be labeled as grade-conscious or bookish or whatever mean remarks kids give to the diligent. Though I didn’t fail in any of my subjects, I did not excel either. I was safe and was comfortable in where I was then. But don’t get me wrong, I had a blast in high school but you know…. Cool Lang but kulang..

So came our high school graduation, I once again failed to give my parents a medal. Of course I try to be cool about it, I mean, who cares? It’s just a stupid award! But then part of me wish that I did get it. Not really for the recognition or the prestige you’d get for excellence but because I knew I can—I just stopped believing.

There were many nights that I cried because of my failures. In our old home in Manila, my family used to sleep in a single room and the hour before everyone falls asleep was spent whining and crying and telling my parents why they expect much of me. I keep on telling them that I’m not as good as so and so and that’s the reason why they get awards and stuff. I keep telling them that why can’t they just accept that I’m not as intelligent.

But my parents, being the wonderful people that they are, continued to believe in me, in my talents and capabilities—which, until now I still doubt. (cause the insecurities, sad to say are still there). But amazing as this may sound, I’ve started to believe them. Little by little, I try to bring back the belief that I once have in myself.

Because of that, amazing things happen during College which I never thought would be possible.

The person who never understood math, who failed majorly in her quizzes but passed nonetheless because 1) kinarir nya mga projects and recitation and 2) kinarir nya mga teacher-crushes niya, can now magically solve algebraic equations not only with two unknowns but three! She can also do calculus once in a while and can answer a mean regression problem. The girl who got a 78 in physics during her senior year in highschool because she never understood it miraculously got a 4.0 in college. The girl who gets 80, 83 in her formal theme papers because of her sucky writing skills got a high grade in one of her major papers. She even got an award for one.

You know what, I find these things so surprising and amazing—and it all started because I believe in myself. That, and because I incorporated a lot of hard work. I did allot much time studying, reading and praying during college compared to when I was in high school (where most of my time was spent chatting.)

It’s as if the negative beliefs that I have about myself were slowly dissolving and being replaced by positive ones. Slowly, I’m leaving my comfort zone. I’m now trying new and exciting things that adds value and will help me become a better person.

So guess what? The frustrated singer is now an active member in the choir. The frustrated cook who didn’t even know how to operate the stove one year ago can not only fry but broil, braise, grill, marinade, whip up delicious meals. The used to be walang silbi person in the house is now actively participating in household chores. The timid girl who loathes public speaking, once a while serves as a commentator during Mass. She also exercises daily and spends time praying. Miraculously the evil sister from outer space is closer to her brothers more than ever. And the used-to-be-rebel-daughter has now a good relationship with her parents.

While mistakes were still made (because I’m still human) and my insecurities and frailties are still present, I now see them as points for learning. I no longer see them as a hindrance but challenges. In every aspect, I now see growth gradually happening before my eyes.

The Practicum Award that I received, though part of me think it’s funny because it’s really unexpected, was something that I’d treasure deeply.

Why? Let’s just say that it broke another streak.

Finally, I was able to give my parents a medal during my graduation. No, it’s not a cum laude, but allow me to be proud because it’s the award I got from my very last subject—my final chance, my huling hirit in college. The time when I thought that once again, just like all the other graduations, I won’t give my parents an award. But miraculously, I did. That’s why I feel so happy and blessed because the hard work paid off. It affirmed my belief—that truly, nothing is impossible and it ain’t over ’til its over!

To my parents, my pillars of strength, my source of love and inspiration, this graduation is for you. I will never be able to thank you enough for the love and support that you gave me. God is truly great for giving ordinary me such extra-ordinary parents.

Especially to you, Papi, my beloved dad. Thank you. I know we verbally fight a lot, well maybe because we’re both opinionated and I’m rebellious, but that won’t change the fact that you’re still my favorite dad (and I’m still your favorite daughter). And everything you taught me is something I really value. Thank you for being a great father and a great inspiration. This medal is my Father’s Day gift to you. I love you..

Now excuse me while I wipe these tears from my eyes.

“You see things; and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’” George Bernard Shaw